Parenting and the Three Strikes Rule

I hesitate to put parenting tips out there. Because every child is different, I'm far from the perfect parent myself, and all the parents I know are doing a great job. And, if they have questions they'll ask google, or their therapists, so better to just offer solidarity and support right? Buuut, there is a strategy that I came across early in this parenting game which I've used for all our kids and I feel obligated to pass on, because it's saved my sanity and aided my relationships with my children so very much. It is a skill I picked up from a podcast that, sadly, I now can't find to refer you to, but she has a book by the same title: Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice. This strategy is super simple, and it has absolutely molded the way I parent in very positive ways. I really think this would work for a lot of parents and kids, a lot of personality types, and that everyone could benefit with it in their parenting tool box. So here it is:

3 Strikes. 

Easy to remember, eh? Three strikes is a method for handling nagging and discipline issues.

Nagging, as we all know, is one heck of a maddening habit. There's a tone. There's persistence. There's a gradual chipping away at the parent's finite reserve of patience. It can turn into an argument, culminating in the parent loosing composure, yelling, saying, "Fine, sure, whatever!" with an eye roll or grimace that to the parent just means, "I'm fed up," but to the child could easily mean, "I don't like you/go away/you disgust me/my love is clearly conditional." Damaging ideas for a child to receive from a parent. More damaging than a simple "no" ever could be. "Rules is rules," as my Dad used to say, but conditional love - that is damaging to relationships. Nobody wins in that exchange.

So, how to stop nagging?

 3 Strikes: Nagging Edition

1. Strike 1: When a kid asks for a cookie/stay up late/ watch this show, the first time, it is easy to answer with simple yes or no. If yes, that's the end of that. If not, continue to strike 2.
2. Strike 2: Then the child asks again, usually with a supporting argument. "But I promise I'll still eat a good dinner/get up on time/etc." At this point, I might consider changing my answer. I try to say yes when I can, but sometimes of course, the best answer is still "no." And I might offer a reason behind the "no". That's not healthy or whatever. Sometimes the answer can be, "I need to think about that, I'll let you know later." or just, "No, I don't have a good feeling about that." Parenting intuition is a thing. That is a legit answer.
3. Strike 3: The definitive end of the discussion. This is your last chance to change your answer to the child's question. At this point you need to be firm and conclusive with your statement. "Okay, as long as you eat a good dinner." That's fine. It's totally okay for you to change your original answer - maybe you didn't think it through. Maybe they made a good point. It shows consideration for the child. Whether the answer is yes or no, that must be the end of the discussion. You can actually say, "...and that is the end of the discussion." If they keep pushing it, don't take the bait. Maybe remind them once or twice you aren't talking about that anymore, if this is new to them. If they are very strong willed and and screaming their demands at epic levels, if you can't ignore them and continue on as a sane human being, this would be a good time for consequences to kick in. But The idea is that the kids learn they can't keep pushing to get what you want - once a decision is final, that's it - and the parent doesn't get to the point where they loose their temper and descend to negative parenting practices.

3 Strikes: Consequences Edition

Sometimes parents think that using anger as a consequence is acceptable because maybe their parents did it with them, and it works! Yes, anger might work in the moment. If you yell, rage, or hit, it can indeed deter behavior. But most parents know the damage that causes. Emotionally, it sets children up for anxiety and depression, not to mention rage issues. It is also damaging to relationships. To the parenting relationship as well as to the child's other relationships: kids are more likely to bully, to learn that acting on anger is an acceptable way to treat and be treated. There are tons of studies, feel free to research.

So.

How to discipline, sans anger:

You can administer consequences the way a police officer administers a ticket. A good officer doesn't take it personally, he doesn't scream and stomp or treat you disrespectfully. He writes you a ticket and says, "Have a nice day." This kind of zen can be hard in the heat of a parenting moment, but if someone walks into the room and sees you at conflict with your child, they should be able to tell who is the adult by more than just your size. Meaning, as the adult and the teacher in the situation, you get to model self control, respect, and love to your child. This is what that can look like:

1. Strike 1: You have set a rule. A misbehavior has occurred. For a new behavior you are starting to teach, a verbal correction is appropriate. "Remember, we don't watch TV on school nights."
2. Strike 2: Same misbehavior occurs. Verbal correction, add on consequence warning. "No, it's a school night so no TV. If you turn it on again, you won't get to pick a book tonight.
3. Strike 3: Misbehavior occurs third time: "Okay - you turned it on again, so when you ask to read a book tonight, and I say no, remember it's because you broke the rule." Always follow through. The child knows they can trust you this way, and has the security of healthy boundaries. Consistency is key. Accountability is key.

*Note on consequences: there are obviously different levels of consequences to fit different levels of misbehavior. "Parking ticket" level consequences for minor infractions might be: loosing a book, loosing dessert, extra chores, natural consequences like, "you peed on the seat so you have to clean the toilet." I like that one. Heavier ones can be administered for repeated offenses. And they are so different for each child. I have one child who looooves candy and pouring all his gumballs into the trash after a repeated offense was pretty traumatizing for him. Another child couldn't care less about gumballs. As parents, we generally know what makes our kids tick. I do not take felony-level consequences lightly and throw them out willy nilly. They might happen once a year or less. I love my kids and want them to be happy. I just don't think that happiness is the be-all and end-all, and that discomforting them from time to time is a necessary part of parenting, to help them be successful in life and in relationships, and some times that means bringing out the tough consequences.