The Truth in All its Gory, er, Glory

Dear David,

On this, your 31st birthday, I believe a message of love and affection is in order. But as every good marriage is based on honesty, and as not to make the gals too jealous, a few words of truth first. I hesitate to be so brutally honest, but since I know you mean well, I believe that bringing these few flaws to your attention so you can make minor adjustments will help us in the long run. Consider it the birthday gift of marital bliss.
Dave, you know I love you like you are going out of style (though you aren't - you are always at the height of fashion), but there are just a few habits that you should really work on. For one, why are you forever butting in when Riley and I are trying to do an all-nighter, just about when her dulcet cries are about to drive me to pleasant insanity? Is it not enough that you get to work a ten-hour day that very morning? Really, Dave - you should work on that. And must you persist in making me laugh mid-meltdown? Someday I'll get a clogged tear duct from not finishing a good cry and it will be your fault.
Then there is the matter of cooking. You could, occasionally, burn something or make a mediocre curry, for example. Its nice the way you cook dinner when I'm too tired or disinterested, but when it consistently tastes amazing, I eat too much as well as worry that I too should make dinner taste good. It raises a bar that doesn't need to be raised.
And finally, I don't know if you've thought it through when you tell my I'm beautiful through all my self-haircuts, pregnancy icky-ness, and the general letting things slide that occurs from time to time. If you were a bit more considerate, you might realize this creates a strong temptation to let things go completely, and I don't know how long I can withstand it.

Well, this letter is getting long - sorry it ended up being mostly "room for improvement" items, but I hope it will be taken in the spirit it was given: love! And don't worry about fixing all this at once - I don't put too much stock in perfection. Juno's Dad says it best:

"...The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your [hiney]. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
You have the shiniest hiney of all, Dave Munion! Thanks for sticking with me!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
Happy Birthday!
-Heidi